Days with the Dorans

One of my favorite HUGS nurses (Colleen) retired. She and I have done HUGS meetings together for the last almost 19 years! I was glad that we had a last in-person meeting that we could attend together so I could show her THIS video that we made for her.  I also have recently been talking with a therapist who helped me see that I do, well, a lot. She had me write a list of all the things I do and when I saw it in writing, I cried. No wonder I feel so burned out. She told me to cross out 5 things on the list. I don't think I could ever say goodbye to HUGS completely but from now on I think I'll only host zoom meetings (in the comfort of my home with pajama pants and wine).

  I have not worked on September 15th since 2003 and every year except 2004 (when there was a memorial at U of M for Andrew), I have spent time at the garden. I started my day redoing the "Because of Andrew" run from last year. I actually ran a 10k because I just wanted to listen to the whole thing. I cried through it and was so touched.  After my run I went through Tim Horton's to get my tea and when I pulled up the girl said, "Would you like a dozen free donuts? It's later and we are going to close soon so we can't sell them all." I thanked her and told her it was my son's birthday and to please take a tip. I had a $20 with me and you would have thought it was $100! She had tears in her eyes and I knew that that was my Andrew Act of Kindness! I mentioned Andrew to her and that made her cry too~ but I think it was a good cry. The morning was perfect! When I got to the garden though it was no longer perfect... The garden was actually roped off!! So I...

  I never work on September 15th. I like being able to Separate my Joey and Andrew time.  That way I can get out my sad for Andrew so I can be totally present for my Joey! I went to Andrew's garden and wore his shirt. I took my journal and I did a kind act because of him. It felt good and was a great way to start the day. But gosh, this day is always hard no matter how much time goes by. I loved leaving flowers on a stranger's car in the ER parking lot. I hope that it made them smile! After the garden I drove by our old house- the last place Andrew was alive. Feels like yesterday and a lifetime ago in the same breath.

 September 15th is always divided into two parts. I hate when it falls on a weekend but I still had time to do my thing which included a visit to the garden and me spreading some kindness "Because of Andrew." I went and got some flowers and this year just left them on a car at the hospital near the emergency room entrance. I know that in the past I've loved handing them to people but I just wanted to be quiet and by myself. I can't believe it's been 16 years. Sixteen is a thought that crossed my mind along with first dates, homecomings, and best men in weddings... I always wonder if a birthday will come where I don't cry- but it hasn't happened yet. I love that kind acts were done all over "Because of Andrew" and that made the day better. I didn't do balloons this year well... because... turtles. But I did get some bubbles and blew them and watched them go up. It worked for me. When I got home, I saw these flowers in my dr...

“Science may provide the most useful way to organize empirical, reproducible data, but its power to do so is predicated on its inability to grasp the most central aspects of human life: hope, fear, love, hate, beauty, envy, honor, weakness, striving, suffering, virtue.”  ― Paul Kalanithi, When Breath Beco mes Air Dear Doctor, I am certain that you don't remember me. I know you have delivered hundreds of babies (maybe thousands?). I wasn't even one of your patients~ not really. I'm not even a blip in the story of your life but for 16 years now, you've been a bigger part of mine than you realize. Sixteen years ago on September 15th, I was a week overdue with twins. I went to the hospital to finally get induced and you were the doctor on call that night. The nurses were having difficulty finding heart tones so you stepped in. You ordered an ultrasound and and the familiar pictures of my children appeared on the screen but one thing was different. That beautiful spark ...

 This year the boys' birthday fell on a Saturday (which I HATE!). I love when it is on a week day so I can take the day, remembering Andrew and spend the afternoon/evening celebrating Jonasen. Weekends mix things up~ and I felt mixed up. Again this year, I asked for people to do a kind act "Because of Andrew" and again this year I was blown away by the many acts of kindness that were done in his name. We spent the morning with Joey, then off to his XC meet, then I was able to get to the garden before games and Joey's marching band stuff at night. It felt good to pause in the garden- to light the candles- to kiss his brick- to talk to him. This year I handed people flowers with a note in them explaining why they were getting the flowers. I loved seeing people's reactions to the flowers and as I walked away I loved that they were probably reading Andrew's name and touched (if only for a moment) by his existence. In the evening on the way to Marching ...

Years ago, my beautiful (and talented photographer) friend took some pictures of our family. It was hard because the rain was coming in and Sean was not at all cooperating. You can read about that post and see the pictures HERE . Well, my favorite picture was one she took of the six of us holding hands and looking at the clouds as a storm rolled in. I used to think about it like our storm and seeing in head-on hand-in-hand. But last Thursday something changed... Nan sent me a familiar picture but something was different. As I looked closely, I saw that there weren't six of us, but eight! There was Andrew next to Jeff and E next to Z. To say that I got a lump in my throat and felt my eyes begin to well with tears is an understatement. I've never had a dream about Andrew. I wished I would, but I never have~ but I DID have a dream about my E. I saw her blond little pigtails (similar to the ones Al and I wore when we were little) as she walked away and I felt an en...

 This year September 15th fell on a Friday. I did my usual routine with a few things different. I drove Joe to school after getting him donuts and OJ and when I came back someone had put this on my garage. It was so sweet. Again this year, I asked people to do things "Because of Andrew"~ a random act of kindness and my tears turned to happy tears that good things would be happening on this day because of my boy. When I say some of my routines changed~ they had to because it's been so long. I can no longer fit my fourteen candles between his brick. So I went for a pillar and I left it burning. I also can no longer get 14 balloons in my car so this year I let off one for E and 5 for Andrew (since they were sold in a half dozen). I did write on them like I usually do. I also spend time reading my old journals and remembering. Gosh I miss that boy. When I left the garden, I did my act of kindness. I left flowers on someone's car. I know I've left them o...

I was so lucky to have my three beautiful boys and my amazing mama join me again for Holiday HUGS. Ali wanted to come but she had dance. This year it wasn't in its usual location but it was still at the hospital where I delivered all my babies and still attend monthly support group meetings.  I attend the meetings now mostly as a supportER than a supportED and it feels good to meet new parents- that may be the wrong word. I'm sad for the circumstances but glad I can be here for them and understand and help them on their new journey. It was mostly new(er) families this year at Holiday HUGS. Sean mostly ate and drank juice but we all made an ornament (minus my mom). I love that we have this tradition and Andrew still has more ornaments on the tree than anyone else. I sometimes look at Joe and try to imagine what it would be like... but then again I can't imagine my life any other way. Still, I am so thankful for the gifts of Andrew and E. I still think of them re...

This year I felt I was ready for September 15th. Oh my gosh! He'd be a TEENAGER! I had made THIS video after a "Pause" post I wrote asking for people to do kind things for Andrew but I didn't really know if anyone would do anything. I popped on facebook that morning after I got all the kids off to school to see this picture (I can't rotate it for whatever reason). It was from my friend. A daughter in her class (my friend's daughter) brought in this pack of new pencils for the kids that said, "Please share in memory of Andrew D. He shared the most amazing gift with me... his mom!"- Ugh. Still makes me cry reading it now. And so ironic that Andrew's twin asked for pencils for his birthday. I wonder if Andrew would have loved to draw too... I went to my annual doctor apt. Cried a bit with my favorite nurse and doctor and hit Kroger for my balloons and other things I needed to pick up for Joe later. I ran into my dear friend, Nevada, and...

September 15th is never "easy" for me but this one seemed particularly hard.  Perhaps because Andrw would be off to middle school... I don't know. But in addition to things being emotionally hard- there were other 'things' that made it frustrating. The first was that I couldn't just take the day off.  I haven't worked on September 15th since I delivered my boys 12 years ago and I don't think I ever will.  If not on a weekend, I have scheduled my GYN appointment on that day so I can take it as a sick day (since that's how I feel anyway).  THIS year, it backed up to a Jewish holiday (which we had off for school).  My contract says that I can't be out the day before or after a holiday without being docked.  I explained that I would NOT be there because I DID have an appointment as well as the circumstances and was given a "one time exception" and allowed to take it as a personal day.  The only problem with this is I am not all...

 It's hard to believe that it has been ten years since I delivered my boys.  The picture of me right before I delivered seems a distant memory.  I can almost remember how she felt (nervous about labor but excited to see her babies for the first time). September 15th always has two parts for me and sadly again it fell on a weekend (a Sunday) and so I left my birthday boy for Andrew's garden. The garden has changed. I had visited the 'new' garden a few times and it's been hard.  This was like my cemetery and I had spent so many hours there.  I remember moments I've had in that garden so clearly and now that too seems a distant memory.  The garden itself will grow on me (as long as they add some trees so it's not so open to the world).  I was sad when I saw the Mother Tree though.  It seems smaller and hardly able to fit all our trinkets from the walks.  Colleen (God Bless Her) had added our walk trinkets back on the tree but they were ...