September 15th (Part I)

September 15th will always hold two very different emotions for me. In 2003 at 10:35pm, my heart broke when our son Andrew's silence filled the room. A minute later at 10:36, my heart grew with the beautiful sound of Jonasen's screams. Each year on September 15th, I allow myself to grieve what would have been, and to celebrate what is. For this reason I never work on September 15th. My plan was to get the Bigs on the bus, take the Littles to school, remember at the memorial garden, doctor,s appointment with the wonderful woman who brought my boys into this world, make cupcakes for Joe's school friends, and then off to celebrate Joe...

Notice I said, "plan". Unfortunately the morning of September 15th brought a sick Z. This threw a major monkey wrench into everything, but thankfully my dad was able to watch him for a while when I went to the garden. (Having Z with me would have been horrible- crying because mom's crying, crying because the balloons went to heaven, crying just because you're 3 and sick...) As it were, I was able to spend some time at the garden, a bit of writing, singing with candles and of course a balloon release. My dad had plans though, so my time spent there was much too short for me and I do plan to go back soon. I left Andrew's candles near his brick. I don't know if they'll still be there, but something in me couldn't pull them out just yet...

Of course September is the month that I lost my Andrew, but two years ago on September 9th I also lost our sweet spark, Baby E. Though only a little over 10 weeks along, I still wonder what would have been. I had strong 'girl' vibes with that pregnancy. I saw her heartbeat three times and I gave myself permission to hope. (Something I hadn't done after my pregnancy with the boys.) E would have been about one and a half right now... a little older than my sweet niece, Maddy.

And so I didn't forget that baby who was not born to this world. I remembered, cried and thanked her too... though I so dreamed of that baby and dream of her still, I can't imagine my life without our sweet Sean Asher. A little boy who was meant for this world, and would not have been- had she...

In the end I will always be thankful. Thankful for all of my children. What a blessing it is to have children here on earth, and children in the heavens-smiling down on me-waiting-and knowing my love, feeling it still. Happy Birthday Andrew and E. I love you!