Saying Goodbye...

Well, we knew this day would come.  Prayed that it would be clear and it was.

On Sunday night I laid with Cobi as I have (more so in recent weeks).  He asked to go outside at one point and he was out longer than usual.  I called for him to come inside and he didn't come. I had been cleaning the kitchen and I thought perhaps I had let him inside.  My brain isn't the best.

I ran upstairs and to all his favorite places, but he was nowhere to be found.  I grabbed my shoes, wrapped my arms around me and went out to the cold calling for my baby, in a panic.  He came to me slowly from out in the darkness and when we got inside I sat with him, wrapped my arms around him and cried.

As promised.  He had told me.  This was it.

Somehow I went to school and made the call.  The last appointment of the day was at 5:20pm and since Joey wasn't getting home until 6:00, I took it as a consult and then also booked the first appointment for the next day.  I wanted Cobi out of pain, but I couldn't not let all of our children say their goodbyes.

Thankfully, I have a student teacher.  I worked with only two of my students that day because my head hurt and anytime I would talk, my eyes would get wet.

I got home and Cobi and I went to the vet.

The Dr. knew.  She told me we were doing the right thing.  He had lost ten pounds since our visit last month (though you couldn't tell because of the tumors on his belly).  It was most likely cancer but if I wanted, she could exam him.

As blood dripped from both of his nostrils now, I shook my head.  He's been through enough. I didn't need a test for me to be sure. Instead I asked her to just pet him and love him.  He hasn't been a big fan of the vets.

A wonderful bereavement counselor came in and talked to me as I cried and sobbed and spoke and listened.  She gave me wonderful advice on how to help the children.  What to say- What not to say.

We hugged.

She told me I was an amazing woman.

I told her she was just as amazing and helped me more than she knew.

She gave me her cell phone and told me I could call anytime.

I took it, but knew I wouldn't be using it.

I've lost before.

I've been broken before.

I sat in the parking lot.  I called Jeff and we both cried as I told him everything that had happened.  I drove slowly home with tears streaming down my cheeks praying I could be strong for our children.

When I got home, our house was it's loud, noisy, usual self.  Of course Jeff knew and he was quiet.  We went into the family room and Cobi lay on a blanket.  We asked the kids to come in for a family meeting and they did.  We explained to them that Cobi was dying and tomorrow would be our last morning with him.  They asked questions and I answered them as best I could.

We cried. They cried and we all hugged and lay on Cobi telling him how much we loved him.  My heart broke again when Pele' came over to see his brother. Does he have any idea?

That night I stayed with Cobi.  I slept most of the night with his head on my leg.  I could feel the blood from his nose soaking through my pants. I could hear his labored breathing and I knew that while my heart was breaking, this is what we needed to do.  My eyes still hurt from all the tears.  I took some pictures of him sick so I could remind myself that I did the right thing.

Jeff has/is taking it equally hard.  I am so glad that we have one another.

At 8am today, my parents came over.  My dad stayed with Sean and the rest of us (including Pele') piled into the car.  It was hard knowing that it was Cobi's last moments in our house... in our car...

Jeff and I went into a wonderful room with Cobi while everyone else waited in another room.  There was a blanket and pillows on the floor and the room had an all-around homey feeling.  They took him out to put a catheter in his leg and make four clay paw prints for us.  

When he returned they gave us time.

We spoke to him.  We cried with him. We loved on him.

When it was time, the doctor came in.  She flushed his catheter with saline and then picked up the syringe filled with a pink liquid which would stop his heart.

We rested our heads and hands on him and as the liquid went in, I cried and whispered into his ear how I loved him... and to go catch that squirrel.

And that was it.

It was so peaceful but again I had that brokenness in me.  

For me it was much like when we lost Andrew, lost Jeff's dad.

A strange peace.

Heaven.

The kids, my mom and Pele' came in and we all took a moment to say goodbye.  To cry together and to embrace.  I was glad the kids could see him.

A sleeping Cobi, with no more labored breathing.

His best buddy (Zach) has been taking it hard.  Though only (almost) seven, he has been one of Cobi's most faithful friends and some of the things he has said have taken my breath away.  He did say he needs another dog (for his birthday next month).  We're no where near that point but agree that the joys of having him in our life, far outweigh the hurt we feel now.

When we got home, Sean got a dog treat and gave one to Pele'.  Then he said, "COBI!?  COBI!?" and went looking for him.  We just looked at each other.  He said, "Cobi's sick.  Cobi's at the doctor's."

Death is such a hard thing for us to understand.

The Bigs have been crying on and off all day.

I wonder what Pele' and Sean are thinking and when they'll understand that Cobi isn't coming back.

But we'll see him again~ on the Rainbow Bridge.  If you don't know what I'm talking about, click HERE.  I made a video for us. I know it has been very therapeutic for us and the kids.  My talking for the video was one of the few times of the day where my voice hasn't cracked.  

I also hope one day it will be something for Sean to watch and know how loved Cobi was.

I know already the kids have watched it a few times.

Their sweet, sweet friend.

Farewell my sweet pup!  Catch a squirrel!  Let Andrew throw a ball for you and E give you a treat.

We'll see you again.

Thank you all for the kind words, emails, facebook messages, texts and calls.  It truly has helped us during this very difficult time.