"Jesus Gave us a Bad DayToday" (Long Pause)

The title of this blog is a quote from Joey which was followed by Ali Jane saying, "My mommy and daddy cried a lot today and so did I because our baby is in heaven." How she knew that... well, she's Ali Jane and much like her mother takes in the world around her more than others probably realize. The thing is she's right.
A couple months ago we learned that I was pregnant again and we were over the moon! This was it- we would finally have our four children at home. Three weeks ago we saw the heartbeat for the first time and as with our other three children, it took our breath away- a living human being, their heart beating inside of me. What an amazing gift from God. I felt good, and wasn't throwing up this pregnancy- which was a staple in my other pregnancies. After I saw the heartbeat, I started to spot. Thankfully I have friends who had difficult pregnancies that produced beautiful healthy babies and so I leaned on them and their stories and held tight to that image -
that beating heart.
A week later I had some spotting at work. I started to panic and made an appointment for the next day. Jeff drove me because I feared the worst. There on the ultrasound though was that beating heart - the baby had grown even more than they had hoped and seemed to be just fine. Dr. B. gave me another picture of our little "E" and I went on my way thinking that this was just going to be my "new normal" and that I would have spotting and bleeding but would have a beautiful baby in my arms come March.
Earlier this week (a week after I last saw the heart) I began to have some cramping. I went to my parents after school (because they live closer) and ran upstairs to the bathroom. It wasn't long until I was doubled over on the floor in a lot of pain. I stayed there for three hours until I felt I just needed to be home- in comfortable clothes in my own bed. There was a lot of bleeding that night, but I thought of my dear friends... their bleeding... their cramping... their beautiful healthy living babies.
that beating heart.
We went to the doctor the next day. I saw the beating heart in my head, and imagined our little peanut snuggled deep into my womb avoiding the trauma I went through the night before. I saw the baby in my mind, safe as I sang one last time, "Jesus loves you this I know."
Hours later, we were at the doctor again only this time it was different.
That beating heart was black.
The heart had stopped and for a moment I believe that my heart stopped just as it did five years ago this Monday.
Our baby was gone.
I knew and Jeff knew and it felt full circle. Here we were with our doctor who was by our side that night where we suddenly aged far beyond our years- when our hearts broke from a boy who took a piece of them forever. And here we were again only this time we didn't have a precious baby to kiss goodbye, just dreams.
As we walked to our car, some of you got the text that I sent that simply said, "baby's gone."
Our phone rang off the hook that day and night but we couldn't bring ourselves to say hello. Much like when we lost Andrew, one would crumble while the other stayed strong and what kills me is that our kids had to see us upset. I only pray that what they'll remember is that their mom and dad love each other, can cry together and can get each other through anything. And that night at the table, Joey said, "Jesus gave us a bad day today."
Yes he did.
I would be lying if I didn't say I wasn't angry! I yelled at God- though I know He was there with me on the floor- where flashbacks came of other moments.
Getting Andrew's ashes a year after he passed away. Holding them in my hands and sinking to the floor wondering how I would ever find the strength to get up - at that moment a little boy toddled to me and laid his head on mine and I knew I'd have the strength. This time the boy wasn't Joey, but Zachy, laying his head on mine as if to say, "Mommy it's o.k."
And it will be o.k.
If you made it this far, thanks for reading - and if these sorts of things are things you'd rather skip - avoid any blog with the word "Pause" in the title- for those are when I pause and remember my (now) two angels.

A side note:
For those of you who read this and don't know me in "real" life (and thank you for reading). You may be wondering why I refer to my unborn baby as "E". Well, we never find out the gender of our babies and so during my first pregnancy my babies were referred to as A & B. (Andrew was A and Jonasen was B) after that naturally Ali Jane was referred to as sweet C and Zachary D.

Another side note:
As for the picture- a paper that I found in our driveway as we were leaving to drop the kids off at school. Perhaps a little nudge to say, "Mom I'm O.k." and later in the day I saw a beautiful large butterfly- To me butterflies have always made me think of my sweet Andrew Daniel who like a butterfly "flew away too soon." Thank you my loves - Godspeed!